From Great Headquarters at Berlin, in the seventh year of the war.
The situation on every front is highly satisfactory. We report with gratification:
I. Pandemic Front#
The plague that broke out in 2020 has been put down by the full striking power of the federal health apparatus. The excess mortality recorded in recent years at reliably new record highs is, according to authoritative sources, a statistical phenomenon. A figure in the suspected-case spreadsheet of the Paul-Ehrlich-Institut stood yesterday at 2,060 and today at 637 — clear evidence that the situation is clarifying in our favour. The reckoning was discontinued with proper restraint at exactly the moment it was due to begin. We are therefore winning.
II. Climate Front#
Operations here too proceed according to plan. Industry is being wound down with the necessary consistency, the population schooled with appropriate electricity prices, heating ordinances, and mobility restrictions. Gross domestic product contracts in proportion to climate-target achievement, in a mathematically elegant ratio: the less is produced, the less CO₂ is produced. Economic experts who voice concern about this observation have evidently failed to grasp the strategic plan. To the people, a smaller flat in winter is a higher happiness than a warm flat under Siberian tyranny. We are therefore winning.
III. Eastern Front#
The situation on the eastern flank is likewise favourable. The opponent has been in a strategic resting advance westward for four years now. The number of weapons systems delivered by us — Leopard, Panzerhaubitze, Marder, Patriot, shortly Taurus — grows in proportion to the shrinkage of the federal budget in every other department. Inflation on the home front is understood by the citizen as a personal contribution. The pensioner generation in particular, whose heating and food costs rise the most, makes this contribution with the modesty proper to it. The Federal Chancellor declared in February that the opponent would “be ruined”. The precise hour has not yet been scheduled, but the lines are unambiguous. We are therefore winning.
IV. Home Front#
The population conducts itself in exemplary fashion. It votes, in its majority, for the forces that prescribe to it the operations described above; it criticises only in a manageable percentage; and the manageable percentage is reliably attended to by non-profit associations, the Office for the Protection of the Constitution, and friendly correspondents. The problem of the birth rate, which in 2025 reached the lowest level since the pre-war year of 1946, has resolved itself — according to the Federal Statistical Office, through the entry of small birth-cohorts into the fertile age range and through a falling total fertility rate since 2022. We thus define the low birth figures by the low birth figures and are in every respect satisfied. We are therefore winning.
V. Concluding Observation#
All is in order. All has been in order. All will be in order. The line is holding, victory is near, the plan is working. Anyone who fails to recognise this lacks historical perspective. We ask the citizens to continue holding out bravely, to love the Heating Act, not to count the excess mortality, and not to miss the missing births. Anyone who asks questions is a Putin-sympathiser, a contrarian, or both — exact classification follows from the case file.
Erratum, received from the typesetting room shortly before printing.
A confused reader asks: “Where, in fact, is the brain, you apes?”
The query could not be accepted on account of formal deficiencies. An answer will be issued as soon as the responsible office has been established. Until then we remain, with our best regards, from Great Headquarters.
End of bulletin.
